Becoming aware of the truth, heals and liberates us (all)
Today I am 32 years old. I have actively started my inner work since 5 years ago. I have worked with all the knowledge at my disposal to heal my childhood wounds and traumas. I have researched, studied and practiced dozens of healing techniques, psychology, magic, exact and holistic sciences, metaphysics, anatomy, biology, neurology, healing rituals, spirituality, yoga, everything that brought me a little closer to the liberation from the energetic chains of karma in my family system. In 2018, I began to write a book based on my healing process with the first steps that led me to walk along this path. When I finished writing Balance, I was completely aware that many more awakenings would come. I knew that more healings and insights would come, I was truly open and excited about their arrival because I understood that this was the path to enlightenment. What I didn't know was that it would be so painful, again.
Today, I can accept with certainties that my father was a narcissistic man; a deeply wounded man, yes, but narcissistic nonetheless. Perhaps it is one of the most painful truths I have had ever to admit. It's deeply painful. Accepting this new realizations does not take away the good qualities of him, but this time I will focus on the truth that affected my conception of love, and the impacts it brought to my adult life. This knowledge came to me very recently; in fact, I had never paid attention to the term narcissist before, since my knowledge of people's afflictions and ills was directly related to the emotional wounds and traumas caused by ignorance. The truth hurts because we must accept that a part of us has to die, and the ego makes us feel pain because of that. When we enter the healing path, we understand the difference between unconscious judgment and conscious discernment, the former is based on ignorance and the latter on knowledge. Even though, we are still humans and the ego will fight to the end to allow the erroneous beliefs to survive. At this stage, it helps a lot to remember that the “pain” that comes from the awakening of the soul is not real. It helps a lot to understand that we are all wounded beings at some point but, at the same time, we are all also responsible for our lives.
I loved my father with my entire being and more. I felt his pain so much that I took it as my own to make life easier for him, becuase I saw that he was always bad due to something, he was always nervous about something, he was always angry about something. As a little girl, I learned that he always had a reason to justify his behaviors, even when they destroyed everything around him; so I dedicated myself to avoiding those reasons at all costs and, consequently, I learned that it was okay to put up with a lot from a beloved one because: he was mentally under a lot of pressure, because he was overwhelmed with all the injustices that life presented to him, because he was simply a poor victim of circumstances and of people who pushed him to be aggressive. Since he was my dad and I loved him so much, I could see in the depths of his being the best of all human beings; and that was enough for me to continue loving him and endure much more. In my book Balance, I share specific events when I thought he was possessed by demons because, at some times he was such a kind and pure being but other times, he was the most violent and dark man I could have ever met. I had accepted it as the reality. At school, I had also been taught that God (who was supposedly so kind to his children) got angry and took revenge too, he punished his children by throwing them out of paradise to suffer. In my little head, there was no room for debate, I accepted my dad's double identity as entirely "understandable." Those two personalities, the kind one and the violent one, lived inside the man who gave me life, those two personalities lived in the man I loved most in the world and in whom I trusted my safety. Those two personalities lived inside my dad and I learned that that was normal, I learned that the same man who wanted my well-being could also be cruelly destructive; I learned that the man I loved deeply could also be abusive; I learned that the man in whom I trusted him to protect me, could be friendly one day and aggressive the next; I learned that he could justify his violence and anger by convincing us (manipulation) that he was not guilty of anything, that he was the victim of everything and everyone.
I had loved that man with all my being; although, it came the day that I've learned to love him even much more but from another level of consciousness. Today I love him even more from a place of better knowledge, better compassion, from a place of forgiveness and from the understanding that he did what he could from his own level of consciousness; because yes, he did want the best for me but his behavior (based on his ignorance) contradicted him; because yes, he did want to be the best father he never had but in his ignorance he didn't know how to do it. Today, I choose to love him as he was but I decide that his way of loving (which I have accepted until now) no longer suits my reality, because now I understandd clearly that I no longer feel comfortable loving a man who contains so much unconscious pain and anger inside him; I no longer feel comfortable loving a man who justifies his abuse and addictions with external reasons so not to take responsibility; I no longer feel comfortable loving a man who feels like a victim of life and makes those around him pay for the hatred he feels within his soul; I no longer feel comfortable loving a man who does not take life with gratitude and care because he is angry in the depths of his heart with his own parents; I no longer feel comfortable in an environment of violence, and I no longer feel comfortable in a constant state of alert, none of that belongs to me anymore.
With the technique of family constellations we can work on these kind of insights and heal the damaging pattern. The truth is that our parents naturally feel the desire for our well-being, and as children we must honor life by taking everything from them as it was, but by retaining only the good and letting go of the bad, so that we can create a better life. In the book Heal Your Wounds & Find Your True Self by Lise Bourbeau, she mentions that the parent of the same sex plays the role of teaching us how to love, how to love others and how to give love to ourselves. The parent of the opposite sex teaches us how to let ourselves be loved and how to receive love. In my personal case, and as I went from the childhood to the adolescence stage, I merged more and more with my father's energy. I was convinced that I had to help him, even if the price was to give my whole life. I really believed it, I felt guilty for his unhappiness. And that is how I took my dad's way of loving as a model for receiving love; an ignorant and unconsciously harmful way of receiving love.
I invite you to read my book, to learn in detail the attitudes and behaviors of an absolutely wounded man who formed a family with another wounded human being, who brought into the world four children who suffered (and still suffer) the consequences of their unconscious actions. I am a wounded woman now, I am a daughter of wounded parents, victims and abusers, spiritually unconscious people, I am a survivor as they are also survivors of their parents, and those were suvivors of theirs parents, and the line continues to unknown previous generations. I want to tell you that there are ways out, that there are methods to break those harmful patterns, that there is a beautiful life waiting for you, that the healthy love do exists, that there are wonderful beings you can trust, that there is a peaceful home where you can feel safe, it really exists because we have the option to heal ourselves. And if you are reading this is because you want to move out of the unconscious harmful dynamics of your family of origin, you want to heal. Take the journey within yourself.
Let me know if you have had a spiritual awakening so far, if you have healed any wounds or if you are in the process; let me know if in your childhood you had absent, abusive or unconscious parents. You are no longer alone, many of us already know that there are ways out, through correct knowledge and self-healing.
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